


A Silver Girl

by Free_Keys



Series: A Silver Flower [1]
Category: Sleepless Domain (Webcomic)
Genre: Canon Trans Character, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 06:56:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14099844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Free_Keys/pseuds/Free_Keys
Summary: The the line between admiration and envy can be narrow enough to cut, as a young magical girl to be struggles with wanting something they can't articulate as they look up to their sister. Do they simply admire her? Or do they want tobeher? And can they accept the answer?





	1. I Want To Be

Her face, bright, vibrant and smiling, was lit by the purple-green light of the inner barrier. She's smiling as her companion jabs at her side and the magical girl throws her head back, laughing. She brushes back her hair now, closes her eyes now. Her costume sat on her so naturally! She turns toward the camera now, waves—

“—███?” Someone said, but it was far away, and there was something happening now—

—the smile on her face fades to something sharp and focused, her eyes turning as she stares into the middle distance. The footage cuts forward and here she's coming from the left of the shot, standing before a shambling _thing_ of eyeless mouths and razor arms. For a moment, as the girl leaps forward, they forget themselves enough to imagine they are her. While a deafening wail that shakes the screen the thing pulls itself up to its full height but she doesn't waver! She looks up, eyes bright as—

" _That_ was a nasty one." The sound cut off with a soft _blip_ and the video died with it. The world came rushing up to meet them, like the ground after a long fall. They were sitting on the floor, legs crossed, over a rug, swaddled in a blanket, leaning forward, blinking at the now dead screen of their TV. “Hey short stuff.”

It was a familiar voice, in many different ways. The child turned around, looked into the spitting image of the girl who'd stood so fearless before that monster and sulked. “I was _watching_ that!”

She threw back her head and laughed, so very much like the recording. Gosh, what had they just said?! The thought burned through their momentary irritation and awoken a yowling panic as they raised their hands in front of their face.

“Good to know I've still got my first fan,” she said, twirling the TV remote around in her hand like a baton. “How many times have you seen this, now?” Her tone was playful, but to the child it still felt sharp

“I k-know...” The family had sat down with their family to watch their sister fight together most nights, though sometimes their mom and dad couldn't convince themselves to sit through the worst bits, the most dangerous monsters. Their faces had creased with worry, sometimes they couldn't help but change the channel. Eventually, they actively avoided it.

But they had watched them all. Couldn't get enough. Their sister's manager released their nights' edited patrols for collectors. And when they had watched them once, they'd watched them all again. “...I'm sorry...”

And of course, they _understood_ why their parents couldn't make themselves watch. But _they_ couldn't get enough. Oh Founder, but they were so obsessed... “I'm so _gross_...”

Something bumped against their forehead. 

They opened their eyes peaked up through their bangs, their sister was still there, her knuckles gently pressed against their forehead. Her smile was tempered by something gentle, their brow creased with worry. “Hey squirt, I _have_ gross fans, and you're not one of them. It's nice to be appreciated sometimes.”

But they didn't think their sister _did_ know. They couldn't untangle their thoughts into straight lines. They wanted, they wanted, they wanted...

“I'm sorry,” they said. They weren't sure when they'd started crying, but now that it had started they wiped it out of their eyes with the inside of their arm. “You're just so great,” scratching the back of their head, they refused to meet their sisters' eyes. “You've done so much for us, I just want to help! like you!” the words came out, but they weren't quite the right ones.

“Magical Girls always need help,” she said, and they already knew what was coming next. “We need people to help us at the help centers at night to treat injuries girls and people in the barriers, and film crews to follow us around.” they knew and they _hated_ the words before they left their sisters' mouth. “I know the cameras make it look like we did all the work, but we need the support of the whole city! There's tons of things that you can do, when you're old enough!”

_You don't **understand...**_ they looked away from their sister and closed their eyes tight, a knot of something tying itself tight in their chest, strangling the words they couldn't find. _I want to be I want to be I want to be I want to be I want to be_

“Thanks... Sis...” they said, but their heart wasn't in it. _I want to be you..._


	2. Daydreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which she grapples with wishes without understanding.

When their sister first went to Future's Promise, their mom found a doodle in their room. A colorful crayon drawing of a magical girl. "Is this your sister?" She said, already imagining she knew the answer

She was wrong, but they said 'yes.' anyway, because their mom had already decided and the truth refused to crawl out from where it was hiding in their throat. When their sister came home that morning, she gave them a hug and said 'thank you.' She didn't see it either. They were so relieved it made them dizzy, they didn't even mind being called their sisters' 'first fan.' They grabbed that thought and ran with it. After all, their sister was doing such great things, right? Helping people, keeping back the monsters of the night. It was only natural to admire her. It was only natural to admire magical girls.

They surrounded themselves with it, but it was a normal thing. A happy thing. Everyone in the city was infatuated with magical girls after all. Some of the other kids wanted to play 'magical girl' in the schoolyard, where magical girls would run around and 'tag' all the monsters. But they insisted that the boys be monsters and it sapped all passion for the game from them. Who wanted to be a monster? They were the bad guys. It wasn't fair. They wanted to chase the boys around. That would be way more fun once and a while.

Denied the playground, they sat aside and dreamed up their own girl. She would be strong and brave, and powerful, and liked...Quietly, they imagined her magical girl out there with her sister, going to school with her, making friends. They spent days and days imagining. Gave them their own story. Their own name. The adventures of Zoe the magical girl were many and marvelous, even if they were only in their head.

Years passed. They never stopped wanting. But that was normal. Everyone wanted to have the Dream, right? Everyone wanted to wake up and go to future's promise. Surely, deep down, everyone wanted to be chosen. Everyone would be a girl, if they had the chance. It didn't mean anything.

It didn't.

Surely...


	3. True Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Zoe wakes.

The dream took her by surprise and slipped through her fingers as they woke. And when they woke up, they discovered it all over again. 

First, they dismissed the dream. They'd had fake 'Dreams' before, and waking up to reality had always been an unpleasant experience. But...they weren't wearing the same thing they went to bed with. Not at all. The costume looked...They rushed to the bathroom, starring into their reflection, and saw. Their hair turned a silvery white, with a flower sign clear across their eye. They pinched their cheek. Didn't wake up. Their brain scrambled to find the mistake, but there wasn't one. They knew what they were looking at, and what they were looking at was a magical girl. 

"Oh, Founder. But . . .?" Their head felt like it was full of fuzz. Absently, a part of them realized that they should have been freaking out. This wasn't okay, right? This was wrong? But then why were they smiling? What was this feeling that was unbuckling inside them? They'd drawn all kinds of scenarios, what they would be if they were a magical girl, what it would be like, what they would do. But they weren't a girl, they wouldn't want it. 

But it was happening. And she found, she did want it. It was hers to take. She was a magical girl. She was a _girl._ Not a story. She was a girl. It wouldn't be the first time something like this happened, but she had been so convinced it could never happen to her. It would have been too good to be true. Of course, some girls who'd gone to future's promise had seemed like boys at first...She was one of them?

A boy, she was certain, would be upset by this. She wasn't.

"Zoe" she murmured, running her hand through her hair, testing it, making double-sure it was real. It was.

But...What did this mean? Did it mean she'd have to fight? Daydreams were one thing, but she was nowhere near the girl of her stories, strong and brave like her sister. This was the part where the magical girl ran bravely into the night and fought off the monsters. She _was_ a girl! That's what this meant. But...The smile slipped from her face as a familiar look of fear crept into her strange flowered eye. That's what she wanted, and only girls could become magical girls. 

...But, right here, right now? She didn't feel any more like one.


End file.
